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People call me Fera. I like kpop esp my husband Kim Myungsoo . I love reading romantic novels. I'm 1994 I'm a bit shy but as long as you know me I'm the person you can lean on.

what to know what i feel now...

 I feel terrible about myself . I just have to let this out here. why do I have to go through these hard times. It's just hard but horrible. sometimes I feel like want to do a terrible things like the thing that imagine in my head was so scary but in reality what I do is just stay quiet and hiding in a dark corner . It's the thing that I have to do for others and also for my own good . I don't know , i think I just have to do that.  Is this I have to go through everyday. feeling tired, helpless, being used, alone, terrible and that I don't have any direction where I have to go so that I can be happy. Once I said to myself that it's okay, if I have to go through this everyday so everyone don't get hurt . But sometimes i think what if i get hurt , everything is gonna be okay but it's me that gonna change forever because of them. So don't blame me if I change , it is because of you.

And lately these things keep happening to me. I thought that person and me become closer but from my point of view, that person was just using me like a recycle bag . I don't know but , I always feel like that these days. I'm not the one that close to that person. I'm just an accompany to that person. Well, i feel like getting used to it now. So, i don't what I supposed to feel now, angry, sad, grateful or I should just leave that person or distance myself but from deep of my heart I still want to have a close relationship with that person. It's just I don't have to be so close for my own good. Just being a part of that person makes me so happy . Because that person also make me so happy . I just need to tell that person that I need some space now. So I can calm myself. I being hurt for a million times, sometimes I don't have a feeling and no heart because of that.

I just want to be a part of something important. just once. I know why i'm acting like this, because I am a very sensitive person, always feels jealous, selfish . I'm sorry for being like this but trying really hard to held it back for all the people I love. But it doesn't reached them. I think. I don't care being used if that makes them happy . But most of the time, I just feel like want to live far away from here , from the things that happening to me here and go to a place that I can start a new life with new people so I can get back the old me. I'm not myself right now. But I can't . It feels like there's a wall that keep me from walking away. That someone tell's me that I have to go through this for myself.  And I accept that .

feel like wan to be alone but I can't , want to be happy but who can make me happy ... myself?, want to get my old self but it can't change back. Feel so terrible for myself that I have to suffer this. But I know someday I will find my own happiness .

I don't want to be hurt a million time again. I think it hurt so much more than that . I endure it cause I know that there are more people that suffer more that what I have to face now. I should be grateful. I know...

you, that person, them : the people that I know. back to top?