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People call me Fera. I like kpop esp my husband Kim Myungsoo . I love reading romantic novels. I'm 1994 I'm a bit shy but as long as you know me I'm the person you can lean on.

Here i am, to tell my story. I'll begin my story with what happen over the past half of this year or quarter  (2014). Well, as you know already that I got a long vacation or holiday or rest time until this september. But I guess it's going to be little longer. And first I got my driving license. But I never drive after the test. It's funny right, because i still doesn't have the courage  to drive. Maybe someday, because my mom said it's important to have a driving license now. You don't know what will happen later in your life that require that thing. It's been a hell to get that, it's very stressing to the point that I cancelled the second training session with my tutor that I spent a night at my friend house just to get out of the house and hear them talking about getting a driving license.It was my first birthday that I'm not with them the whole day. It's the worst birthday ever. I don't know what happen to me actually at that time. I just want to ran away. Actually I don't want to get a driving license because everything happen so fast that I don't think I can cope with it. With the thing that happen last year, it's hard to accept things after that. And driving license is a big deal for me. To get that thing require a strong physical and mental state. And I'm not in that good mental state. So, it was hard on me. I can't tell my parents that I don't want to get license just because I'm still weak. Well what I need at that time is just to tell them I need time for myself to settled down. But I keep pushing myself until I cry after my first lesson. I get depressed a lot. I don't know why it's so hard for me. Because my friend, they seems to not giving any shits about driving license. They fail the test they get another test and when they pass they pass. But it's different for me. Lastly, I made it through. I pass the test just once and I really don't expect that(LOL). After all that hard stuff. I realize that what my parents were right, they were right for me to get a driving license. At any cost you must have driving license okay.

I realize after that, i'm still a young girl. Selfish and not mature.Only know to nag about this and that. I still need to learn a lot and accept bad things that happen to me. Accept it and learn from it.

After getting driving driving license, there's nothing actually. I just spend my days like usual. Going out with my friend, movies, kpop and I got into baking. Now I love baking. I think it's a way that I can relieve my stress. By baking!. Until now I baked cookies, cupcakes, cakes, pies, tarts and many more. Baking become my passion and it fill my time rather than doing anything useless it makes you productive. There's a time it was in ramadhan that we have to bake raya cookie's so no one started it yet. And well I am stressing over it. I was like why no one start this baking thing. I kept thinking like why do I have to start it. Like I'm not the only one who likes baking here. Hello. I kept it for a long time and suddenly I burst out. My eyes are teary and I got all the ingredients and I do it myself. I almost got mad at my mom. Why I almost got mad at my mom?. Because I sometimes can't cope with my mom's way of telling me to do things. I like thing loud and clear and my mom like not too clear with the words she says that actually annoys me. I want like be clear please just tell me what to do straight. She's like" have you wash the dishes?" and i want it like "can you wash the dishes". I hope you can see the difference. I am weird. Those kind of words that actually really good but for me it's like fake. I get annoyed easily. Now I just let it pass. Even though inside I annoyed but outside I try to stay calm. Is that mature?. Seems like I need to just learn.

Me myself, I still don't know what kind of person I am of all these years. I'm still learning myself. How to accept reality, what is my personality and make a good thing out of it. Help me.

The big thing that happen this year also is that I become friend with my use to be best friend. We had a bad history together but that bad thing just one bad thing actually. But at that time we are still very young and young people don't know how to deal with it. So what I did is I ran from the problem instead of facing it and fix it. I broke the friendship and it's just goes away. After two years of no talking and no news from her or I just heard a little bit of her from my friend. We seems to be okay in those years. But what bothers me is the that I still blame myself in those years. Why did I abandoned this friendship just because I don't like the way she is at that time?. That she really annoys me lot, I felt so suffocated with her to the point that I cry at night just to think how can I solve these. What I thought at that just break the friendship and I'll be free from her. But that's not the right way. I realize now it's wrong. If I can turn back time and be a little bit mature and brave. we can fix it. Not ran away from it. So as I say, we bonded again. I never so light after that. It's like a piece of heavy rock lifted from my heart. I felt relieve and not afraid anymore. I was a coward. A young selfish coward.

 It's no use living in a world that you still blame yourself for what happen in the past. Try to move on by change yourself and be a better person so that you learn to admit and forgive.

I would like to end this by another story. The reason why I had long vacation for almost a year is because I have to wait for my result if I accepted to a University or not. Finally the time comes. I don't think it'll be this fast. Time flies really fast more than you think. Event though the only thing that you do is eat and sleep. You realize that a day had passed faster than ever. I became really anxious as the day of the result is near. But then the day come. It's few days ago, and I did not accepted to any university. That's why at the beginning of this entry I said that I might have a little longer vacation. I felt devastated. I try to act like it's okay as soon as I heard that I'm not getting into a university. I tried to hold it in. I tried to smile and act like nothing in front of my mom. But when I heard that my little sister got it. I felt happy for. Like really happy. Sincerely happy. For the first couple of minute I got to hold it in. But when I heard about how my mom talking about her with the registration , fees, and all the thing. I get emotional. Do you think it's jealous?. I can't hold it anymore after that. The way my mom spoke to me that everything is gonna be okay when it'll be okay but at that time I crushed really hard. At that moment I felt that I need to cry. I almost cry in front of my mom so I went upstairs. Tears just flowing all over my face I don't want to control my tears and feeling sadness at that time. I just cried but not sobbing cry. Silent cry with a runny nose. It really hurts to cry like that. I can't breath, I bite my nails and just cry in the corner. I felt rejected. I broke into pieces. I just wan to have my time alone with myself. Just give me some time alone. I wan to say that to my mom but I can't. It's weird and awkward. I don't have the tell everything how you feels to your parents or the talk to parents when you have problem kind of relationship. I locked my door but I did not lock my bathroom door so my mom came in try to hug me. But I rejected her. I pushed her away. So my mom got out of my room. I just want to be alone. Can they just understand. This is the time that I can be selfish. I know their intention to make me feel better. But I just want to cry because that's my style of comfort. I felt like crying a lot more after that. Why did you invade my space at a time like this?. Why can't they understand?.

Why can't they just not change the way they talk and looking at me. I want it to be normal for me to get normal again. I need to feel like I don't know maybe, like we can talk about this later thing. I need to calm down alone. And I did. After two hours I managed to calm down and talk about it with my friends and family. Teenagers sometime need alone time to think and be alone. I used to being rejected. I did not regret of going into stpm. I did not regret anything. It's just that I need time. At this time I just grateful to have my parents as my parents. They are the best. I would not change for anything. My dad is a part to education so he knows what to do and my mo is a brilliant person she just knows what do. But the I realize that I became a big burden to them. Why I cannot make them happy like my sister did. Get a good result and good school. She have everything good grades, smart, funny and physically good. Although she is a little bit annoying. There's just something that I want to say here. I still don't understand. I tested them but in a not obvious way. When I'm in the living room with other and my sis is in our room they constantly ask for her like "where is your sis?", "what is she doing upstairs?", "can you(me) call her to come down". All I answer is I don't know just call her yourself, well that's absolutely rude but I felt annoyed. When I upstairs and she's in the living room, it was quiet, i tested them until I go to bed and still no one ask for me. Am I not that important or I'm being selfish right now?. I just don't understand why they do this to me. I'm not upset the whole day but I tend to think about it a lot. I just let it passed anyway. I am aware that I'm boring, serious, and not funny kind of person in front of my family. But that's how I am. I can't be her. I wish I can act like her sometimes. Wow I realized I really want attention actually. I can't help it. To feel jealous and want the attention.

It's not a big deal anyway. I just want to talk about it. I'm okay that she got a lot of attention. She deserve it. I'm happy for her, for real.

This year is the kind of the best and the worst year. There's so many thing happen and it's so sudden. I often think about my future and I get upset because it's blurry. I want it clear so I don't have to be worried. I cry and cry but that's not going to change anything. Maybe I'm rushing things that's why I always so anxious and stressed all the time. I don't know what to do. I want to have a bright future. I always get worried about what I did in the past is the reason why I can't get what I though I want. I want to be mature, to have my own house , my own money and living away from my parents be independence but I can't picture it how. I've thought a lot of way and theories to make it happen but it's still blurry. That's why I suddenly became stressed. I don't even tell anybody or anyone about my problem because I think I can handle it myself and sometimes I did handled it myself. I learned to love myself slowly. I intended to take care the feelings of people around me and I got hurt all the time. I try to smile and I did smile. Allah always helps me in many ways. Allah is the one really help me for the person like who doesn't show my emotion to other people rather than happy. But when I am happy I am really happy. When I had a chance to show my feeling and emotion it turns out the other way. Not the way I want.

I like the way I live now actually, I don't want to change it. It's just I need time to adjust and learn a lot and be a lot more mature. I love all the person I've known. They are the best thing that ever happen in my life. Won't change it for other thing, my family and friends.

Till we see again Blog.

ps: sorry for a lot wrong grammar or broken english, it's not awkward to use english when you want to let out your feelings. Don't forget parents always right but in the same time you must trust yourself in a certain things. back to top?